Hairpins
by Kristie Goldberg
Summary: Kathryn finds something in Chakotay's desk drawer. She's curious.


Hairpins

Kathryn emerged from her bedroom dressed in a pair of shorts and tank top. It felt so good to be out of her uniform at last. She had several reports to read and then she would finish the novel that she had begun a few weeks back. Picking up the reports she began going through them looking for the report that Chakotay was putting together on shift rotations. Right now he was on the bridge as tonight was the last night they were working split shifts. Tomorrow they would both be off duty. When they returned they would again be on the same shift. She missed him not being by her side. Not finding the report, she commed him.

"Janeway to Chakotay"

"Chakotay, here."

"What did you do with that report on shift rotations that you finished? I don't seem to have it!"

"It must still be in my quarters. I can send someone to get it for you."

"That's okay. I'll go get it. You don't have to send anyone down here. Where is it?"

"One of two places, either on my desk or in the top left hand drawer. I am sorry for not bringing it to the bridge when I took over from you."

"We are all tired from the extra work these past few weeks. I'll read it and make recommendations if there's any to be made. And, I will see you for dinner tomorrow at 1900 hours. Janeway out."

Kathryn made her way to Chakotay's quarters where she used her override to enter. Calling for lights, she walked immediately to his desk. Not seeing any padds on the desk, she opened the top left hand drawer. There were two padds and some other things in the drawer. Taking out the padds, she looked them over. One was a report that Seven had given him; the other was the report she needed. As she started to put the one padd back in the drawer something shiny caught her eye. Reaching in she pulled out a small bowl contains about a dozen hairpins. What was Chakotay doing with hairpins?

She left the bowl of hairpins on his desk as well as the padd from Seven. As she headed back to her quarters, she wondered about the pins and whose they were. Why would Chakotay have them? She ran through the crew manifest quickly picking out all those who might use hair pins. There were at least a dozen possibilities. That person must mean a lot to him to keep the pins. She tried to imagine each of the women with him. She thought back over all the gossip she had heard about them. None seemed to fit Chakotay except as a one night stand. However, she couldn't picture him in a one night stand. It wasn't his style, but perhaps there had been a time when he needed someone. She hoped that they hadn't belonged to Seska. That bothered her that he might still harbor feeling for that Cardassian!

She realized she needed to put it out of her mind. What he did with other women was none of her business. But, she just couldn't seem to let go of it. She had been faithful to him, why couldn't he do that for her? She was going overboard on this. They had promised each other nothing. He had every right to be with whomever he wanted. Just because she loved him, didn't mean he loved her!

Sitting on her couch, she tried without success to read the padd with his report. She just couldn't get through it. Even after four cups of coffee she still had not gotten through the report. Finally giving up, she got ready for bed. She would read the report in the morning.

Her night was spent tossing and turning. She imagined him in bed with every one of those women, their hair spread out on a pillow as he caressed them. She tried to imagine herself with him that way, but tonight she couldn't come up with the image of them together. Normally she could bring them up at will. In her dreams he had done wonderful things to her body. She wanted that more than anything but was now afraid that he didn't love her. He more than likely loved the one whose hairpins were in his desk drawer. Finally, she fell into a troubled sleep.

Returning to his quarters after the end of his shift, Chakotay noticed the bowl on the desk where Kathryn had left it. Picking up the bowl, he let his mind drift to the former owner of the pins. He smiled at the thought of running his hands through her hair. A few minutes later he reverently placed the bowl back in the drawer where it was kept. Humming to himself at the memories of her, he walked into his bathroom to shower before sleeping.

Kathryn spent the morning in as much turmoil as she had the night before. Finally, she came to the conclusion that she wanted him - not just wanted, but had to have him! She decided that after dinner she would throw herself at him, tell him how much she loved him and wanted to be with him forever. It would be all or nothing. At least by the end of the evening she would know if they had a future together. If he told her he loved the woman whose pins he had, she would bow out gracefully, but at least she would have told him how she felt!

Her afternoon was spent getting ready for his arrival. She programmed into the replicator his favorite foods. She soaked in the tub for hours and spent much time doing her hair and nails. She was determined to look her best for him. Tonight would be the night and perhaps the first of thousands to come! Her hopes climbed as the day went on.

Standing in front of the floor length mirror, she took a good look at herself. She didn't think she looked bad for an older woman. Her figure was lithe and her muscles firm. No sags, no bags! Her skin was flawless. She had put on just a little makeup to bring out the sparkle in her eyes. She wore her hair down and part was pulled back into a clip, the clip he had made for her. Small wisps of hair curled around her face. This was the way he had like her hair when they were stranded on New Earth several years before.

Hearing the chime, she knew it was now or never. She walked into the outer room as she called for entry. As he walked into the room, she stood admiring him. He was handsome in dark brown pants and a cream shirt open at the neck. His hair was combed more forward across his forehead just the way she like it. He smiled the special smile he reserved for her which showed his deep dimples. That smile always made her want to melt at his feet. He entered the room carrying a bottle of wine.

Looking at her, he wanted to grab her in his arms and kiss her senseless before he picked her up and carried her to the bedroom where he would make exotic love to her. Knowing it was to never be, he reigned in his emotions. She looked beautiful standing there with that crooked grin on her face. She wore a sapphire blue dress with thin straps, and he especially noticed her hair. He loved it that way.

"How about pouring the wine while I put dinner on the table?"

He nodded as he took the wine to the cabinet where two fluted glasses stood. He watched her place the food on the table. Something was different about her tonight, he just couldn't figure out what. Perhaps it would come to him in a bit.

He noticed she had replicated his favorites: spinach salad, salmon with a citrus ginger sauce, rice, steamed broccoli and warm rolls. He realized Kathryn knew him better than anyone.

Sitting down to eat, they talked about all the ship's gossip and laughed together at some of the crew's antics. Chakotay told her Mike Ayala had moved in with both of the Delany twins. She raised her eyebrow at that and stated that poor Mike would be useless on duty from now on.

After dinner, they took their glasses and the rest of the wine over to the couch. Kathryn called for the lights to be dimmed and soft music to play in the background. Chakotay was puzzled at this as that was something Kathryn never did after one of their many dinners. Both removed their shoes. Sitting comfortably on the couch, she moved closer to him than she normally did. Finally she began to speak.

"Chakotay, last night in your quarters I couldn't help but notice a small bowl of hairpins in your drawer. Do they belong to someone special in your life?"

"If your asking are they mine, the answer is no. They did belong to one of the two most important people in my life. I would like to tell you about her and the pins." He said the last part as he saw sadness pass over her features. She nodded and he leaned his head back on the couch and pulled her closer into the crook of his arm. She went willingly and wanted to stay there forever.

"I was teaching at the Academy when I received word that the Cardassians had invaded my home planet, Dorvan, and had destroyed everyone and everything in their sight. I was angry, angrier than I had ever been in my life. I went to Admiral Lester and asked for a leave so that I could return to Dorvan to assess the damage. He was reluctant but soon realized that I was determined to go.

"I caught the next ship out that way making my way slowly to the outer fringes of the Federation. It took quite awhile before I reached Dorvan. Nothing prepared me for what I saw, total ruin!

"The forests were gone, the rivers dried up. Dead animals still lay rotting everywhere. Nothing lived. The home where I grew up was nothing but a pile of rubble. For days I sifted through it, just trying to find something of theirs. Finally I saw a smashed bowl. I recognized it as the old cracked bowl my mother use to keep her hairpins in. Pulling away the smashed pieces, I found the pins underneath. I have had them with me ever since.

"Everything gone, Kathryn. Everything!" His voice was cracking as tears slid down his cheeks. "Nothing, I have nothing of them left except for the hairpins."

Kathryn gently turned and wiped the tears from his cheeks. Leaning over she kissed his lips. He in turn wiped the tears from her cheeks.

"You have your memories. Those you will have as long as you live. You will always hold them close to your heart; they are as much a part of you as breathing. Someday you will pass those memories down to your children and grand-children., that way your parents will live on through them. Tell me about your mother."

Chakotay was silent for a moment; he was trying to organize his thoughts. Kathryn wasn't sure if he was going to tell her or not. She hoped he would as he needed to talk to someone about her.

"My mother, her name was Lilia, was the most wonderful mother in the world. She knew me like no other. She was a gentle kind person, never hurt anyone. She has this long black hair which she wore up during the day. At night, she would remove the pins and put them in this little cracked bowl on her dresser. Then she would wear her hair down. Sometimes, she let me take out the pins. I loved running my hands through her hair. It was wonderful, so soft and smelled so clean. I would take a brush and brush it until my arms got tired. While I brushed she would tell me these wonderful stories. Some of the stories were about family members and some were fantasies. I loved them all. I remember every story she ever told me. I would often ask her to tell me some story over and over again. She never complained. She was a wonderful wife to my father. She was smart enough to let him think he was the boss. He adored her. She made him very happy.

"You would have liked her, Kathryn. And, I know she would have liked you. She was kind, gentle, and caring. She was also very intelligent. Plus she was a great cook!"

"Is that where you learned to cook? From her?"

"Yes, I learned to cook some things from her. Some I made up myself as they reminded me of what she use to cook. She was one of those cooks who never wrote anything down, never measured anything."

"My mom is like that. When we get back, I would love for you to spend time with us. You'll like her."

"I would like to spend time with the both of you. I have a million questions to ask her about you!"

"Me? She will tell you that I was the perfect child! If you want to know something about me, just ask me!"

"Oh, I think it would be more fun asking her. Mothers have a unique way of describing their children and the things they did!" They laughed together both thinking of the mothers.

As they sat on the couch deep in thought, Kathryn nestled closer in Chakotay's arms. She felt warm and safe there, but most of all she felt wanted. As she looked up at him, their eyes met. Ever so gently his hand came up and cupped her chin as his head bent lower. She closed her eyes as she felt his lips touch hers in a mindlessly, intoxicating kiss, a first kiss so full of promise! As they finally pulled away from each other, both knew the waiting was over.

He smiled a gentle smile and let his hand run through the silky softness of her hair. Bending down again he quickly reclaimed her mouth as her arms encircled his neck, both lost in the passion of the moment.

Chakotay finally pulled away and looking into her eyes saw her love for him there. He was certain she saw the same look in his. He loved this woman more than anything and wanted to share the rest of his life with her.

He bent down and began kissing her soft lips as they began to open. Soon his tongue met hers as they danced and curled together. Finally they pulled away reluctantly.

"I love you more than anything!"

"I love you, too, my angry warrior."

"No longer angry!"

Looking deep into each others eyes, both were secure in their knowledge that they wanted to spend the rest of their lives together. And, tonight was just the beginning.

The End (or, is it?)


End file.
